he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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