Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
