fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
