I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
