Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
