Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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