Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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