what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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