someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He? As in you personified your dick?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
