No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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