I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
