My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I love you.
Bad choice
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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