i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
