I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
