we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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