you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
