Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
