I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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