I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
