You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
