Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
