Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
