He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
