No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
