she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
try to milk me bitch
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
