Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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