this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
