now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
