We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
