Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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