I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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