chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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