guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
