I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
