Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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