I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
