Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
