Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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