i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
