hotel room ftw
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
