Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
