worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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