i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
