good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
