Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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