Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
