I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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