6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
