Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
soo... how was my night?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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