In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
