So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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