Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
