Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
